This week has been one of the most insightful and challenging weeks of my life. I waged war on myself in the form of an existential crisis. I came home from the gym last Wednesday and was quickly overcome with a swarm of questions I could not give myself the answers to.

I had kept myself so distracted with my two jobs and many classes, but I lost sight of my purpose in life and I stood there looking into my mirror faced against my worst enemy. I felt utter disgust over myself and the goals that I had set for myself. I was unhappy with the relationships I held and wished the world wasn’t such a “bad” place. I chose to see all the negativity in the world and a sensation of helplessness shook my world.

The following day was all about planning my attack on negativity. I turned to conversation with friends and looked to past miraculous events to muster up glimpses of hope and meaning. One of the most influential sources came from a video by Infinite Water (Diving Deep)- a YouTube channel. Their video titled “How to deal with an Existential Crisis” helped me to better define my life and figure out those things that mattered to me most.

I came to the realization that I’ve been second-guessing myself at every turn. I’ve been expecting perfection from myself and others, and have been let down by this impossibility. The challenge is to find contentment and meaning in the things that I have and aspire to have. This morning I listened to a song by J. Cole that I used to listen frequently. The meaning behind this song made itself so relevant to me and I was reduced to chills after listening to it again. To summarize, he poetically iterates that we need to be happy with those things that we have and that money does not equal happiness. He speaks of finding meaning and happiness in our relationships and to treasure everything you have.

Shep Gordan speaks of the same thing in his appearance on Tim Ferriss’ podcast. He speaks of the miracle of life and how lucky all of us are to have experienced the miracle of life.

There’s a lot of work to be done for me. For now I challenge myself to stay true to myself and pursue the things that I have genuine curiosity in. I challenge myself to find ways in which I can help others.

 

This post is dedicated to Scott Mescudi AKA “Kid Cudi.” He checked himself to rehab yesterday due to depression and suicidal thoughts. At the bottom of this post will be a TED talk of his that had a strong impact on my early college years. In this talk he discusses self-battles, setting limits for yourself, and the hurdles he had to go through to achieve success.

I’m going to preface this post by stating that while I don’t believe free-will exists, most of Scott’s statements are valid.

The idea behind his talk is to motivate the kids at the high school he attended to think big and realize that he was in their shoes not too long ago. He came from what people think to be very little, but he rose to great heights. But since we don’t believe in free-will, we will argue that he had an innate ability to do so. We won’t control our thoughts, we don’t control our genetics. He discusses in his talk that he always knew he had “it” in him. When he wanted to do something, he never let his friends or his family to stop him from believing in himself.

In my quest to be more like Scott, I did not control how I came upon this world and ultimately back to his video today. I chanced on reading an article that noted him checking into a rehab center due to depression and suicidal thoughts. It made me think about this very TED talk that I saw years ago. It made me realize again that no one is perfect, and that we all have our individual battles to fight through.

We all go through physical, mental, and emotional battles. For Scott, he had the courage to admit his shortcomings and look for professional help. This is itself is a powerful trait that not many people possess.

I had a surge of motivation as I listened to his TED talk again today. I understand that motivation is fleeting, but Tony Robbins talks about how your actions should be made and taken when you are in this passionate state. Right now my passion is VR and it’s applications. I’m not going to think about reasons not to do it. It’s what I want to do and I’m going to use my resources to fulfill my wants.

Thank you Scott for making yourself vulnerable and empowering youth. Best of luck to you.

 

I’ve made it a point to challenge myself in all aspects of my life lately more so than in the past. Today this was evidenced in making the effort to call Jenn, talking to both Mony and Chyna, and to push myself in the gym. I’ve learned again the importance of keeping a smile and letting go of past grudges or feelings. It feels better to see everyone in a good light, and to keep my life interesting.

My days seem to become less productive towards the night however. I feel I need to fix some new challenges of my own to perform better. I need to set up a rigorous study schedule so that I can excel in my classes. It feels like my life is on a bit of a hold in that regard because I feel like I’m on crutches without my main laptop. This shouldn’t be the case. I should be proactive as possible and begin doing some coding on this laptop. I’m going to pause my writing and do so NOW. I’ll have to update my computer first and I don’t want to do that without finish my blog! Tomorrow it is!

This just reminds me of something I wrote on Reddit today about personal development. Sometimes you make promises, but the very nature of life is very chaotic and random things are bound to happen that you just cannot expect! It’s no problem though, this should not discourage people from making promises! I think it’s important to remember this.

Though I wasn’t as productive as I would have liked to be, I got a lot of done and finished a couple of challenges I set for myself.

“Demand more from yourself than anyone can ever expect!”

-Tony Robbins

This weekend I had the honor of visiting my professor’s home for the first time. They were extremely gracious enough to have me over for Dakuo’s PhD celebration. As I stood by Gary and Dakuo exchanging thoughts about what they learned over the course of 5+ years, I realized that a mentorship is so valuable because of it’s inherent WIN-WIN nature. Gary mentioned how much he learned in his effects to teach Dakuo, and Dakuo trying to match expectations and challenge himself to achieve great heights.  I was also reminded of how insecure I felt in this environment. I had a feeling that these people were all smarter than I was and that I would be judged for any false step I took. The more quickly I let go of this mentality the better. I haven’t felt this way with my peers in so long, but I did not know most of these people, and it felt like I was walking on coals at times.

I can’t help but think about why Jen(n) hasn’t texted me back. We had a great dinner with good conversation. She initiated a dialogue by telling me how much of a great time she had and thanked me for inviting her. Maybe I’ll hear from her soon, but I don’t want to press on after sending her texts already. Maybe I’ll run into her on campus sometime. It’s fun going on dates and thinking about where I could have performed better. I challenge myself to go on a date every week with someone new.

Another challenge I give myself is to dedicate every end of each blog to gratitude training. In the last post, I discussed the gratitude I felt towards people I saw on that day, but I haven’t seen many people I know today so I will share my gratitude to those who come to mind. I am thankful for Eric again for constantly inviting me to the things that he is doing. I love having a friend like that. Daniel lent me some BTC today so I could play around with it. I talked to Vinny, Stephen, and Travis over FB and am planning to see them in the coming weekend. Thankful for my professors again for having me over last night and for Dakuo who has helped shape my outlook on life. He is consistent with his happiness which makes for him to be a fun person to be around.

 

If only I had that, I would be happy -> this is an illusion

Finding out why I’m after what I’m after.

^ Notes on what to write about

I’m going to writing while I feel fresh and full of energy. Lately, events that I would have seen to be “bad” in the past have bothered me less. I’ve been thinking positively and taking note of when my emotions were taking control over my thoughts. I’ve been having deeper conversations and enjoying life with those that I care for most. My mentors have been receptive, and my overall quality of life is surely headed towards the direction I want it to go. Mau reminded me again about the importance of building your own brand, and through Jocko Willink, I was reminded again of the importance of taking action, and not being reactive.

I’m going to challenge myself in this post to have a business idea by the end of this year, and to find a means to get it started. My conversations with Mau have sparked in me a sense of urgency in familiarizing myself with my passions so that I’ll have ideas for what I plan to do in the future.

The first question to ask myself would be: what do I do?

Ans: If someone were to ask me that question, I would say that I am a student programmer with many hobbies. I’m still searching for my passions, but my recent goal has been to try new things and chase those things that excite me most. My current interest is in Virtual and Augmented Reality and their applications.

So why do I do what I do?

Ans: I do what I do because I have hope that life will get more exciting as I continue to develop myself and my skill-set. I want to solve the mysteries of life and explore as many fields that interest me. I want to find fulfillment in the things that I do and help others in that process.

 

I’m happy with the answers to those questions. Shout out to my Lyft driver Manuel today for his enthusiasm that had an impact on the start of my day. This reminds me to practice gratitude training by thinking of things that I am grateful for each day.

Gratitude Training:

Today I am thankful for Eric, who messaged me on facebook to check up on how I was doing. I’m glad about our continued friendship through the years. For simplicity sake, I will express gratitude for only those I have come in contact with on any given day. I am thankful that Peter is in my CS 151 class and expressed interest in helping me build my own desktop. I am thankful for Bryan, who agreed to have dinner with me today. Thankful that Chad is also in my CS 151 class and for his 10/10 haircutting service. Thankful to my Dad for backing up my harddrive on my broken computer. Thankful to my brother for supporting me for so many years. Thankful for Paul C., who drove me back to Irvine today and brought me dinner yesterday. Thank you all! hehe xd

 

-Paulito

The most impactful mentor I’ve had lately has been the master-class student known by the name of Timothy Ferriss. From him, I have learned the value of optimization, and self-help, among other things. His material has helped me adopt a better type of lifestyle and has helped me see the world in a different light- as all good things do.

Ferriss offers guidance in many forms: podcasts, videos, books, etc. I think I’ve gained the most insight from his podcasts and his book “The 4 Hour Work Week.” His material has helped me to challenge the belief that I might not be able to reach the pinnacle of my potential or my goals.

He has proven many times over that there is a science to breaking down how to reach one’s goals. He is very analytical in his approach to problem-solving and strives to find the most efficient way to learn.

With this new added-skillset made possible by Ferriss’ material, I will continue to challenge my limits and achieve things people will only ever dream about. The key is to stay silly and chase excitement.

To remember that absolute commitment is the only way to create meaningful and lasting value.

The things we dream about ground us by showing us what we have been thinking about. In our waking moments, it may be hard to know what lies in our subconscious minds. In our dreams however, we are reminded of what has been going through our busy minds.

These past couple of weeks were some of the best in my life. I’ve made great relationships with new friends and strengthened the bond I had with old friends. I put myself out there and with Tim Ferriss’ advice, I’ve been trying harder to have the conversations that make me feel most uncomfortable.

In an effort to make me more vulnerable, I will admit to still having feelings of heartbreak. This isn’t a sob story, it is simply a realization that I am willing to admit. It’s hard to believe it’s been a full year since I had broken up my first relationship and I still feel feelings of emptiness. I’ve been telling myself that I was getting better. I think so as well, but I don’t know what feelings will overwhelm me if I were to see her again. I’m reminded of a time not too long ago when I was near the gym and I thought I saw her. My heart was pounding and sweat began to moisten my forehead. She turned around and looked past me. It wasn’t her. Whew.

I’ve come to the realization that girls like her don’t come by often. I can only blame myself for the things that have happened and have hopes that I will find someone like her or better in the future.

Through heartache ignited a fuel in me to become a more interesting excitement-chaser. I’m going to enjoy all of what life has to offer and chase my dreams.

My past will make me better, not bitter.

Alrighty.

 

As the school year nears, I become more uncertain of my future. I’m currently set to take 4 rigorous classes and juggle 2 jobs. I met with CEO and founder of Rain LLC today Marco Magalon and was impressed with the way he carried himself. He really embodies the entrepreneurial spirit that Matias and Alex both have. These guys are creatures of hard work and determination. They put many things on the line for the chance of getting a piece of the ephemeral pie.

I’ve been trying for some time to surround myself with individuals like them. To foster a mentor-mentee relationship and to symbiotically grow as a person. The goal is still to find fulfillment in what I do, but to not overwork myself. I fear school will take a huge chunk of my time, and prevent me from doing things I really want to do until I can get the sought-after degree.

Linking back to my previous post, I don’t know for sure exactly how my life is going to pan out. Oddly enough, I do have faith that things will work out exactly as they should. I think all the cards are going to be dealt and it’s up to me to optimize my life the way I see fit. I need to continue to feed positive things into my life and reap the benefits as time goes by.

Cheers,

Paul J. An

I began writing a couple minutes ago regarding a subject that didn’t interest me very well. I started to contemplate on what I would want to write about and came to the subject of this famous saying/quote. “Never say never,” it’s a phrase that has been reiterated millions of times. I find refuge in its meaning as I grow older.

I had a discussion with an old friend about an hour ago regarding this same phrase. I was explaining to him that in life, things just happen. Sometimes, life throws you a bone and at other times it throws your entire life 180 degrees.

Of course, I don’t mean to say that it would be my get-out-of-jail-free card to break promises, but to imply that life is unexpected and that very few things in life are for certain.

You can promise someone something, but like I expressed, nothing is for certain.

Still, I’m never going to say I’ll always think this way.

After all I should never say never.

I started this morning off on a loss of 10% of my bankroll. It wasn’t a good feeling. But I dusted myself off and began my day with a head of optimism.

One thing that I was able to learn from practicing mindfulness over the past years was that we all see exactly what we want to see. I think things should be this simple. Giving people the benefit of the doubt is such a crucial thing when it comes to relationships. In hindsight, I see how much I focused on what could go wrong in situations, instead of the way I wanted things to be. I haven’t exactly drawn the line on where caution meets naivety, but I know that there is plenty of room for improvement in my situation.

Now that I have had time to think back and reflect on my past year, I often catch myself in thought and question whether what I am thinking is healthy. I’m currently in the process of rebuilding myself, and I could not be more excited. I feel myself growing physically, emotionally,  and mentally.

We’ll do this like we did in high school essays. I’ll first discuss my physical growth. I’m more mindful of the things I eat. This may sound strange, but I think that I often eat fatty processed foods when I am feeling ugly. It doesn’t help me look or feel good. It’s relatable to the feeling of instant gratification that ends up being trouble in the future. I haven’t been keeping a consistent gym schedule, but I am taking part in the sports I like, and am staying healthy.

I think my emotional growth has been the greatest as of late. I’ve finally come to terms with dealing with my emotions head on. I learned that front-loading all my emotions ASAP was the best thing that I could do for myself. This means that I am not bottling up my emotions but genuinely acknowledging them to dictate what I should be doing given my current state.

I think that my mental state ties in closely with how I am emotionally. It’s my theory that my practicing mindfulness has furthered my ability to rationalize. I know better now how to deal with my emotions because of it. When I am angry, I’m better able to pause and reflect whether or not that situation should merit any such emotions.

Put everything together and you get an accumulation of a badass named Paul Joon An, and the things he’s learned in his 22 years on this planet. Just a couple of days ago I had so much fun talking with old friends and new. I lived in the moment and could not think of anywhere else I’d rather be. I even stopped myself and thought about how crazy it was that I was able to feel so present-minded in that moment. It wasn’t unlike any night of hanging out with friends before, but it was the first time I realized how much I had changed and grown to live in the now.

 

If you are reading this, know that life is short and that you must spend your time with the people you love and doing the things you love. Eat the things you love and spread love around. Try to find the best in people and learn to love them as well.

And enjoy the steak.