A lot has changed since I’ve last written here. In the last month, most notably I’ve left the security of my cushy fintech job in pursuit of game development. I moved into an apartment with my girlfriend and our dog, and I’ve grown so much. I’ve been focusing more on having fun, and finding ways to deploy patience for long-term goals. In the past, I realize I was anxious about the future to come, and that led to bouts of neuroticism. I’m always a work in progress, but in the past few months, I am growing to be a more patient learner, and am able to share these philosophies with my girlfriend and see how these ways of thinking help her out.

Patience is the name of the game!! My girlfriend quit her job 6 months ago, and was under a lot of stress applying to jobs and worrying about finances. In my opinion, she had enough saved up for years, and had nothing to worry about, but she wanted to hurry the job search process so that she could take care of her parents, and to be in a good financial situation (subjective). There would be many nights where she was overwhelmed with the constant rejection, and the fear that comes with not knowing whether you are good enough. “I’ve spent the last few years doing XYZ, what happens if I’m not good enough?”

It’s a scary thought, having your whole or most of your identity rooted in one thing, and then being rejected by hundreds of people for that exact thing. In my life, the past 5-6 years that BIG thing was software engineering. I felt it when I first worked at Boeing. I would mention the keywords “software engineer at Boeing,” and I would see eyes sparkle. With these words, I thought I was conveying a sense of Wealth, Intelligence, Importance. Then after 3 months, I realized I didn’t belong there. I thought maybe my co-workers would sniff me out as an imposter, someone who wasn’t smart enough to be there, and so I pre-emptively quit. It wasn’t the only reason, but it was a big reason why.

I thought this may have been a fluke, so I spent the next 2 years grinding out interview questions to eventually land myself another software engineering job at the tech hub of the world. I worked at this company for 18 months, and along the way I learned a few things. Your job is not who you are. It may be a big portion of you, but you are a multi-layered human being with multi-layered interests. I was teaching self-defense at a Boy’s and Girl’s club, and making small-scale video games in my free-time. Here in the US, we are born to “live to work.”

Back to my girlfriend, I drilled into her that her job title doesn’t define her, and that I had no consideration for her job title when I fell in love with her (and her dog). Surely enough, she got a job towards the end of her 6 month layoff, and it was everything she ever dreamed of. But that isn’t the moral of the story. It’s that she persevered through her struggles, and was able to slow things down in the short term, effectively speeding up her achievements in the long-term.

Generations deal with different problems. It’s difficult to map 1:1 relations based on current history vs past. I think a big problem we deal with today is our lack of long-term focus. And like everything, there is a dichotomy here. Our incessant need for instant-gratification is probably bad, but there’s probably some good to be found here, whatever that might be. However, in general, I think it’s good to dial back on things that provide so much of it. Moderation in these things is generally good in my opinion.

Another problem we deal with relates to “toxic masculinity.” There are probably some instances where the term might be validated, but we need STRONG, traditionally masculine men, in the same way we celebrate feminine women. There’s an increasing trend where we bastardize men for being men, and it is not ok. One gender is not better, but we are GENERALLY different, and it’s not a bad thing to acknowledge that.

The days have flown by! I can’t believe it’s been almost 9 months since I’ve moved to San Francisco. A lot has happened, and there have been some peaks and valleys. I feel I’m a lot more self aware now than I was in the past, and it’s an ongoing process to continue to grow. I feel this time in my life right now is a pivotal moment where I can really define who I am and who I want to be. I’m accepting that I am young, and trying to try new things, to find the things I want to devote myself to.

In recent times, I’ve picked up language learning, meditation, and game development. I’m not spending insane hours on these things, but I’m being consistent with the meditation and game dev.

As an indirect result of the meditation, I came across a reddit page about it, talking about how the point of meditation is not to chase that good feeling, but just to be more aware of what is happening around you. I’ve been contemplating that a lot lately, and just trying to be present in my emotions and in the things I do. I catch myself drifting off in thought often, but try to not judge myself for these things. I’ve realized lately how much negative self-talk I have. Not necessarily towards myself or at others, but just general outlook on things. My overanalytical mind is always trying to figure out the worst case scenario in so many situations, and that leads to finding the best temporary short term distraction. This cycle has repeated itself with excessive video games, porn, chasing girls I don’t like, and many more.

But it’s ok. It’s great actually! I can be happy that I am mindful of these shortcomings, and these are things I can fix now. I can catch myself when I have these feelings, and it will be tough, but I can practice changing these bad habits and turning them into good. I can take from the meditation practice to not judge myself if I fail, but just get back up and continue to try to be better.

I’m grateful to be alive, to be healthy, and to have a chance to do better each day. Continuing forward.

We as human beings are all walking forms of potential. Whether we realize it or not, we are more capable than we imagine, and especially so when we come together to create something we can’t do by our lonesome.

I recently talked to my friend about opening up and for him to find different social groups so as to expand his social circle. He felt like he was being stagnant and hasn’t had too much growth, but I helped remind him that he had an amazing year, and he has been through a lot, from balancing school, multiple jobs, death of a family member, etc.

It made me think again about how we are much more capable of things than we think we are. For him, when the going got rough, he did everything he coiuld do to provide for his family and help them in anyway he could. He sold possessions he had that he treasured for the betterment of his family. He’s awkward, and not the best in social situations, but he is willing to do what needs to be done. He’s a good guy, and for what he’s done, he will always have my respect.

I realized recently that in many conversations, I feel the need to give my 2 cents. Sometimes this is good, but like all things, balance. I can talk too much and also too little. I need to be quiet when the subject matter is something I know little about. As I read Dale Carnegies book on how to meet friends and influence people, it reminds me of these common sense things, that people seem to forget all too often.

Another things I want to get more in touch with is the youthful curiosity of my past. Maybe youthful isn’t the right word, but I remember a time when I was more open-minded and willing to try new experiences. Yes, I too need to remind myself that I’ve done a lot this year and been through a lot. But as I told my friends yesterday, it’s difficult for me to be happy with where I am. I’m constantly stressed about wanting to improve, which helps me to reach my goals, but I need time to sit and relax and pat myself on the back as well.

Where we are at this moment is both the only place we will be at this time, and all we are guaranteed is the present moment. It’s a valuable skill to be happy in the present and it’s something I can continue to foster through meditation, journaling, exercise, etc.

I’m growing more confident in myself, and am happy to see others doing the same. A close friend of mine seems to be doing very well and I can see the change in his mannerisms in a positive way, and I’m genuinely happy for him. I realized I want to see my friends succeed, and I no longer compare myself to them as much as I used to. I’m competing with myself, and as I begin to allow myself to BE myself, however weird I may be, it gives others permission to do the same. I feel the judgement sometimes, but I realize that the alternative is an existence that is untrue to myself, it’s not a truthful way of living.

 

 

How different life might be, if we focus more on growth, to face our fears and to realize the potential growth in things, rather than the bad that might happen. This is very much related to my last post on the dichotomy in things. We should realize the bad that might happen, so that we are not naive to the evils of the world, but in a world where this is reminded to us all too often, we should make a conscious effort to recognize the growth that we might recognize.

How often have we planned on doing something that we initially thought were good ideas, but after thinking about all that could go wrong, we have a change of heart. In my personal experience, I am honestly admit how often this was the case. Instead of taking ACTION, I have crippled myself through a paralysis by analysis.

As I grow older and wiser, I recognize the importance of ACTION over QUESTION. Yes, there is a balance here to be made, but nothing gets without ACTION. I can talk about how things should or will be, but talk is cheap. I’m more conscious of how I should take ACTION over thinking too much about things at this time of my life.

Next week I will be volunteering at a Boys & Girls Club, teaching martial arts. I’ve always been interested in working with kids, as well as martial arts, so I signed up for volunteering orientation, and clicked to sign up for the event.

 

As I grow into this new chapter of my life, I’ve been thinking more about the importance of BALANCE in all/most things. There are binary things, such as do not murder in cold blood, but there is such a thing as TOO CARING, and TOO SELFISH. It’s different for every individual, but I’m realizing more that only I can find that balance for myself. I SHOULD spend the time to explore external factors that help me shape MY balance in these things, but ultimately it is I who decides what that balance looks like.

In recent times, the idea of the “dichotomy in all things” comes from Jocko Willink, who I will have the pleasure of seeing in January! In my life, I have cared too much about what people think of me, and I still struggle with that today. Many of us do things to please people we don’t even really care about, and we tag ourselves “too busy,” to give ourselves time to think about what is really going on. We fill our lives with negative loop cycles, and the months and years fly by before we wonder what the fuck has happened.

It’s only been 3 months since I moved to a new city, but one of the first things I noticed was how many people around me are just being the best versions of themselves, not caring too much about what others think of them. This is why I think it’s a good place for me to be, because being back home, I already notice myself being myself BETTER. I’m surprising some people, family included, but it’s foolish to live life not being my own highest priority. Take care of yourself first, so that you can take care of others better.

But of course, the dichotomy here is in not caring at all about what others think. When you fall into this mindset, you become an egotistic, self-centered asshole. You push through people to get what you want, and you don’t form meaningful relationships with anyone.

The BALANCE is what is important. You should care what others think, but not to the extent where you don’t do the things you want to do. And without a good sense of self-awareness this is difficult to do.

 

Meditation and alone time -> strong sense of self-awareness -> ability to figure out the right balance in things.

A lot has changed since I moved up to San Francisco 3~ months ago. I can convincingly say that it’s been a net positive experience, and that mental and physical growth has accelerated in comparison to when I was back home. I feel more grateful, independent, and have been dating again!

In the physical, I started the first month with running, and martial arts classes around the city. It was fun, but I wanted to do something different for at least a few months. I used to practice weightlifting in college, but I was never very organized with my workouts outside of one summer, when I wanted to impress a girl. I wanted to see how much I could gain in the gym if I was serious about my workouts and maintained a good diet. The objective was to gain weight, strength, and to look more attractive. I was a bit self-conscious about my current body in comparison to back in college, so I set out on this 90 day journey to bulk up and get back into good shape. Today is day 62, and I’m nearly 20 pounds heavier than I was when I initially began. I’ve been drinking a 800 calorie protein shake(ON PRO gainer), and 5mg creatine every day. I’ve been to the gym 57 out of the last 62 days. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and saw massive improvements the first few weeks in terms of how much I was able to lift. There were so many days, especially early on where I didn’t want to go, but I found the discipline and willpower within me to press on. I’m going to continue on, for a strong 30 more days, and then reassess my fitness goals from there.

In the mental, I’ve been meditating more often, and lately I’ve been feeling much more clear-headed at work and have had better general face-to-face interactions with others. I feel generally happier, and this was not the case when I first moved here. I was very anxious at times, and had trouble falling asleep thinking about everything that could be wrong, and being away from my family for an indefinite amount of time. I asked myself, “why am I worrying?” what could I do to in the long-term to stop the negative thinking? I gave up coffee since I moved here, as I found it made me more prone to anxiety, and I put a serious emphasis on the amount of sleep I get each night. I’m averaging 7.58 hours of sleep each night, which seems to be optimal for me. I also realize the connection between body and mind that many people speak of. I feel much better after a grueling workout or run, and will continue this lifelong journey of taking care of body and mind.

In the emotional, there is one big area that has drastically shifted in my life. Dating! I was pleasantly surprised to see so many young attractive women in the city.

I paused here now, as I’m writing this and sipping my wine, thinking about all the girls I’ve dated in the past, and wondering where things went well or wrong. I feel like I’ve always had a complicated relationship with dating in general. Or maybe dating is just hard? For the past few years, I wasn’t focused on dating at all, I would go on apps every now and then, just so that I could stay in “practice,” and see what’s out there, but I never really opened up to anyone. It’s hard to be vulnerable after breaking up with someone you really like, and for a long time, I felt like I should just be cold and never allow myself to be in a vulnerable, weakened state again. I was protecting myself from connecting with others, especially women on a deeper level.

I do feel like I’m an attractive option to many women, and the girls I’ve been on dates with in SF, were all more than just a first date. I always leave them wanting more. 😉 I’ve realized lately that my unique sense of humor has a big impact on attracting others.

In the past, and even currently, my level of horniness mixed with alcohol, causes many problems. Surprise! A girl really began to like me, only after a few days of seeing each other, I could tell she was really into me. I wasn’t as invested in the relationship as she was, but I was just going with the flow. She was very attractive, but I just didn’t feel a genuine connection, most likely due to my lack of trying to be vulnerable, or maybe it just wasn’t a good fit. Anyway, she made it clear to me that she wanted something serious, and she wouldn’t sleep with me until that was clear. She came over to my place twice, and on the second night, I convinced her to have sex with me. It was the first time in a long time, and it didn’t last very long, l0l. I was embarassed, but she was more than ok with it. We spent the next day together, and had a nice time touring around my neighborhood. All was good in her eyes, and I felt like I didn’t want to see her anymore. I was also seeing other people, and I never told her before we slept together.

To be frank, I took advantage of how much she liked me, to sleep with her. I came clean about the other relationships, and felt like I had all this drama that I didn’t want in my life. I didn’t want to see any girls for a while. She was reasonable upset, but said she understood. We weren’t official, but she deserved to know before we slept together. I apologized, and we agreed to just be friends. This was a week ago. I haven’t talked to her since.

Last night, I got drunk at a party, and texted her. I was drunk and horny, I wanted to have sex. I convinced her to come over, but she said she would not sleep with me. This was all I wanted. I told her I missed her, and that I wouldn’t try anything, but the truth was I didn’t miss her, I just wanted an attractive body to fuck. I didn’t care who it was. It’s tough to admit this. I told her what I thought she wanted to hear, not what was really on my mind. I eventually came clean and said that I was very drunk and horny, so I would understand if she didn’t come. She didn’t come over, and that was for the best. I apologized this morning, and she was rightfully upset with me.

I write this because I think there are other people in my shoes. I’ve admittedly always fantasized about dating multiple girls, and sleeping with a new girl every day or week. It’s in rap songs, people praise you as a “pimp,” but it doesn’t feel good to take advantage of others when they are vulnerable. It’s ironic because it’s precisely what makes me afraid of getting into relationships. What if I meet someone who did what I did to that girl? I probably deserve it.

I learned a valuable lesson this month, at the expense of a real person’s feelings. I don’t think she will ever see this, and I’ve apologized to her many times, but I’m sorry to all of us who are hurt by those we make ourselves vulnerable to. It’s unfortunate, but I also think a lot of it is inevitable.

I do feel ashamed, and I don’t I want to date more than one girl at a time. I wish to be honest upfront, and not be wishy-washy. To give my all to the one person I want to spend time with, and to continue to be vulnerable, and open up to others about how I feel.

My keyboard is fuckede up, so there will be manny typos.

The great Gary Vee talks about how we all have much more time than we thiink. I’m in a neew city now, and I can’t help but think about how I want to mold my new life and what that might look like. I can sink time into BJJ, cookinng, lifting weights, and all the otheer possiibilites, but I can’t do everything. I’m reminded that I must’vee fall in love wiith infinite possbility, but rather choose a select few thinigs iinn the coming years and dive in deep. I’m a firm believer in the idea that we should try as many different things when we have the time, and as a 25 year old man, I’ve been really resonating with this idea. The thing I struggle with is understanding how much time and energy I should be sinking into these things before I realize that it is or is not what I want to continue doing.

As I move into this chapter of my life, I step outside of my seemingly static past year. This past year was filled with a spurts of self-fulfillment and growth. I spent a lot of time to myself, and worked on my craft to iron out the person that I want to be. I understand better the things that are important to me.

I have a weird relationship with social media. I believe that it is possible to use it effectively in a healthy manner, to build a better lifestyle,  but just as easy to use it to fuel toxic, hypocritical behaviour. A lot of posturing goes on, and it makes me think about how far people derive from the reality of our existence. Often times the ones who find the most success are the ones who are the best fakers.

So as I have reached 25 years of age, I demand upon myself MORE discipline, welcome MORE responsibility, and to demand courage upon myself even on the lowest of lows. To foster mentorships from battle-tested veterans such as Goggins, and to harness an iron-will forged through grit and hard work.

I’m not interested in your Instagram filters, and I don’t worship any other human being. We all bleed equally, and I think people place other people on a pedestal because it makes them feel better about themselves. People tell themselves, Kobe is a GOD, and I’ll never be like him, but the reality is that these people just don’t understand their own capability. Some say that Goggins is crazy, but what if he isn’t? What if you are just saying that as a reason to be mediocre and stay complacent? We are all capable of more, and it irritates me when people make excuses as to why they can’t do this or that.

In this next chapter of my life, I’m taking these thoughts with me. I’m understanding that being different is good, and that I need to live life on my own terms, and not care as much about what others think of me. Growing up in a Korean household, this was the complete opposite of what was taught of me. It was a lot of listening to others and fitting the mold, but I’m learning more about what it means to be me. An ongoing challenge, but one that is inevitable as well as necessary.

What you can be you must be.

In high school, I was as judgmental as most high school kids are, and I did many things I would not dare to do today. When I went to college, I still had a lot of the baggage I carried with me throughout high-school, but I chanced upon meditation, and a few experiences that helped me get a better sense of self-awareness and what a better of version of myself would look like.

Time has been flying by lately, and as I get to meet old friends, I notice much change, or the lack thereof. Personally, change has been seemingly constant in my life, and I embrace it as necessary for my own growth. I remember in college, I read from the famous philosopher Alan Watts, talking about the flaw with personal development. He stated, “The flaw with personal development is thinking you need improvement at all.” I’m not sure entirely what he meant by this, but back then, it sounded like a convincing excuse to be content with who you are and not try to change. I see it in a different light now. To be content with who I am, but to know there is more potential to be reached. To be happy with myself, but always strive for better.

The biggest transformation area for me is to stop caring what other people think. I’m catching myself more and more now, and notice when other friends are also so caught up in this. I’m not the type of person to force change on someone, so I probably won’t remark on it, but I use these moments to reflect and use as examples for what not to be. Even now, I’m at a cafe with my back against the entire area, and I think about how weird it might be for a stranger to see me typing this, but it’s necessary friction.

Another one is unrelenting optimism. I reason by telling myself I’m a “realist,” but I recognize that if I want to reach the goals I set out for myself, I need to train and practice optimism and gratitude.

I attribute a lot of these blockages to how I was raised. I don’t claim that I had a rough childhood, in fact compared to most of the world, I had an extremely privileged upbringing, but I can only speak to my example. My Korean parents emigrated from Korea to provide a better living than they had, and I don’t doubt this was the result that happened. Still, coming from a culture where feelings aren’t generally shared, and you rarely speak your mind, I was exposed to a different subset of problems. I’m learning all these things now, at 25, but am grateful that I am at least paying attention now, rather than later.

For a long time, I was told what I should be or do. Even now, there are societal pressures, and I have a strong feeling that most of the world and my peers do things because someone else told them this was the right thing to do. I’m fortunate enough to have found online mentors like Gary Vee and Jordan Peterson, who helped me to better think for myself, and figure out what it is I want to do. I do consider myself privileged, so I need to make the most of my experience for myself, but also for others to see that you can pursue your wants and dreams and make it all work out. I will be another one of the success stories.

Gratitude,

Paul