Net Positive, I Think

A lot has changed since I moved up to San Francisco 3~ months ago. I can convincingly say that it’s been a net positive experience, and that mental and physical growth has accelerated in comparison to when I was back home. I feel more grateful, independent, and have been dating again!

In the physical, I started the first month with running, and martial arts classes around the city. It was fun, but I wanted to do something different for at least a few months. I used to practice weightlifting in college, but I was never very organized with my workouts outside of one summer, when I wanted to impress a girl. I wanted to see how much I could gain in the gym if I was serious about my workouts and maintained a good diet. The objective was to gain weight, strength, and to look more attractive. I was a bit self-conscious about my current body in comparison to back in college, so I set out on this 90 day journey to bulk up and get back into good shape. Today is day 62, and I’m nearly 20 pounds heavier than I was when I initially began. I’ve been drinking a 800 calorie protein shake(ON PRO gainer), and 5mg creatine every day. I’ve been to the gym 57 out of the last 62 days. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and saw massive improvements the first few weeks in terms of how much I was able to lift. There were so many days, especially early on where I didn’t want to go, but I found the discipline and willpower within me to press on. I’m going to continue on, for a strong 30 more days, and then reassess my fitness goals from there.

In the mental, I’ve been meditating more often, and lately I’ve been feeling much more clear-headed at work and have had better general face-to-face interactions with others. I feel generally happier, and this was not the case when I first moved here. I was very anxious at times, and had trouble falling asleep thinking about everything that could be wrong, and being away from my family for an indefinite amount of time. I asked myself, “why am I worrying?” what could I do to in the long-term to stop the negative thinking? I gave up coffee since I moved here, as I found it made me more prone to anxiety, and I put a serious emphasis on the amount of sleep I get each night. I’m averaging 7.58 hours of sleep each night, which seems to be optimal for me. I also realize the connection between body and mind that many people speak of. I feel much better after a grueling workout or run, and will continue this lifelong journey of taking care of body and mind.

In the emotional, there is one big area that has drastically shifted in my life. Dating! I was pleasantly surprised to see so many young attractive women in the city.

I paused here now, as I’m writing this and sipping my wine, thinking about all the girls I’ve dated in the past, and wondering where things went well or wrong. I feel like I’ve always had a complicated relationship with dating in general. Or maybe dating is just hard? For the past few years, I wasn’t focused on dating at all, I would go on apps every now and then, just so that I could stay in “practice,” and see what’s out there, but I never really opened up to anyone. It’s hard to be vulnerable after breaking up with someone you really like, and for a long time, I felt like I should just be cold and never allow myself to be in a vulnerable, weakened state again. I was protecting myself from connecting with others, especially women on a deeper level.

I do feel like I’m an attractive option to many women, and the girls I’ve been on dates with in SF, were all more than just a first date. I always leave them wanting more. 😉 I’ve realized lately that my unique sense of humor has a big impact on attracting others.

In the past, and even currently, my level of horniness mixed with alcohol, causes many problems. Surprise! A girl really began to like me, only after a few days of seeing each other, I could tell she was really into me. I wasn’t as invested in the relationship as she was, but I was just going with the flow. She was very attractive, but I just didn’t feel a genuine connection, most likely due to my lack of trying to be vulnerable, or maybe it just wasn’t a good fit. Anyway, she made it clear to me that she wanted something serious, and she wouldn’t sleep with me until that was clear. She came over to my place twice, and on the second night, I convinced her to have sex with me. It was the first time in a long time, and it didn’t last very long, l0l. I was embarassed, but she was more than ok with it. We spent the next day together, and had a nice time touring around my neighborhood. All was good in her eyes, and I felt like I didn’t want to see her anymore. I was also seeing other people, and I never told her before we slept together.

To be frank, I took advantage of how much she liked me, to sleep with her. I came clean about the other relationships, and felt like I had all this drama that I didn’t want in my life. I didn’t want to see any girls for a while. She was reasonable upset, but said she understood. We weren’t official, but she deserved to know before we slept together. I apologized, and we agreed to just be friends. This was a week ago. I haven’t talked to her since.

Last night, I got drunk at a party, and texted her. I was drunk and horny, I wanted to have sex. I convinced her to come over, but she said she would not sleep with me. This was all I wanted. I told her I missed her, and that I wouldn’t try anything, but the truth was I didn’t miss her, I just wanted an attractive body to fuck. I didn’t care who it was. It’s tough to admit this. I told her what I thought she wanted to hear, not what was really on my mind. I eventually came clean and said that I was very drunk and horny, so I would understand if she didn’t come. She didn’t come over, and that was for the best. I apologized this morning, and she was rightfully upset with me.

I write this because I think there are other people in my shoes. I’ve admittedly always fantasized about dating multiple girls, and sleeping with a new girl every day or week. It’s in rap songs, people praise you as a “pimp,” but it doesn’t feel good to take advantage of others when they are vulnerable. It’s ironic because it’s precisely what makes me afraid of getting into relationships. What if I meet someone who did what I did to that girl? I probably deserve it.

I learned a valuable lesson this month, at the expense of a real person’s feelings. I don’t think she will ever see this, and I’ve apologized to her many times, but I’m sorry to all of us who are hurt by those we make ourselves vulnerable to. It’s unfortunate, but I also think a lot of it is inevitable.

I do feel ashamed, and I don’t I want to date more than one girl at a time. I wish to be honest upfront, and not be wishy-washy. To give my all to the one person I want to spend time with, and to continue to be vulnerable, and open up to others about how I feel.

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