Hiatus

The days have flown by! I can’t believe it’s been almost 9 months since I’ve moved to San Francisco. A lot has happened, and there have been some peaks and valleys. I feel I’m a lot more self aware now than I was in the past, and it’s an ongoing process to continue to grow. I feel this time in my life right now is a pivotal moment where I can really define who I am and who I want to be. I’m accepting that I am young, and trying to try new things, to find the things I want to devote myself to.

In recent times, I’ve picked up language learning, meditation, and game development. I’m not spending insane hours on these things, but I’m being consistent with the meditation and game dev.

As an indirect result of the meditation, I came across a reddit page about it, talking about how the point of meditation is not to chase that good feeling, but just to be more aware of what is happening around you. I’ve been contemplating that a lot lately, and just trying to be present in my emotions and in the things I do. I catch myself drifting off in thought often, but try to not judge myself for these things. I’ve realized lately how much negative self-talk I have. Not necessarily towards myself or at others, but just general outlook on things. My overanalytical mind is always trying to figure out the worst case scenario in so many situations, and that leads to finding the best temporary short term distraction. This cycle has repeated itself with excessive video games, porn, chasing girls I don’t like, and many more.

But it’s ok. It’s great actually! I can be happy that I am mindful of these shortcomings, and these are things I can fix now. I can catch myself when I have these feelings, and it will be tough, but I can practice changing these bad habits and turning them into good. I can take from the meditation practice to not judge myself if I fail, but just get back up and continue to try to be better.

I’m grateful to be alive, to be healthy, and to have a chance to do better each day. Continuing forward.

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