This week has been one of the most insightful and challenging weeks of my life. I waged war on myself in the form of an existential crisis. I came home from the gym last Wednesday and was quickly overcome with a swarm of questions I could not give myself the answers to.

I had kept myself so distracted with my two jobs and many classes, but I lost sight of my purpose in life and I stood there looking into my mirror faced against my worst enemy. I felt utter disgust over myself and the goals that I had set for myself. I was unhappy with the relationships I held and wished the world wasn’t such a “bad” place. I chose to see all the negativity in the world and a sensation of helplessness shook my world.

The following day was all about planning my attack on negativity. I turned to conversation with friends and looked to past miraculous events to muster up glimpses of hope and meaning. One of the most influential sources came from a video by Infinite Water (Diving Deep)- a YouTube channel. Their video titled “How to deal with an Existential Crisis” helped me to better define my life and figure out those things that mattered to me most.

I came to the realization that I’ve been second-guessing myself at every turn. I’ve been expecting perfection from myself and others, and have been let down by this impossibility. The challenge is to find contentment and meaning in the things that I have and aspire to have. This morning I listened to a song by J. Cole that I used to listen frequently. The meaning behind this song made itself so relevant to me and I was reduced to chills after listening to it again. To summarize, he poetically iterates that we need to be happy with those things that we have and that money does not equal happiness. He speaks of finding meaning and happiness in our relationships and to treasure everything you have.

Shep Gordan speaks of the same thing in his appearance on Tim Ferriss’ podcast. He speaks of the miracle of life and how lucky all of us are to have experienced the miracle of life.

There’s a lot of work to be done for me. For now I challenge myself to stay true to myself and pursue the things that I have genuine curiosity in. I challenge myself to find ways in which I can help others.