I’ve been thinking deeply about the current distractions I have in my life. These next 3 weeks will be the longest period of “free-time” that I will have in months. It’s the perfect time period for me to reevaluate the things that matter to me most. Now is the time.

“Why X?” This is the question I’ve been asking myself before I start any task. “Why am I watching netflix?” “Why am I playing the drums?” Perhaps this is the most important question one can ask himself/herself. The answer that frequents my mind is this: “because I fear failure.” This has been a recurring theme in my life. I have found that I am doing many things because I wish the pass the time and ignore the things that are important but also scare me the most. It’s the fear of failure that we all hear so much about. By pushing down things further down the queue of things that need to get done, I can briefly rejoice in short-term satisfaction but face worse consequences in the future. This is not ideal.

I tell myself I am lucky to have been born in the US. To be born in a loving family where I never have to worry about food or shelter. I won the genetic lottery simply by being born human. Why is it not enough? Why can’t I just be content with all that I have and really chill out?

I attribute my excessive introspective tendencies in part due to my past experiments with psychedelics. They have helped me gain newfound perspective in life. The experiences propelled me down this rabbit hole and have instilled within me an insatiable hunger for answers. Some people are content after the first few iterations of asking “why?,” but my threshold continues to grow. It’s a double-edged sword and I haven’t quite figured out how to wield it correctly.

It’s an inherent need for control that we as humans so desperately desire. I need to quell that need through means of mindfulness practices, meditation, routines, and other ways to control the monkey mind. I need to come to terms with the realization that life is chaotic in nature. I can never control everything. I am not and will never be perfect, but that is not to say I cannot achieve mastery in multiple fields of my choosing.

Let’s throw in a little order into the chaos that is life.

It’s time to refuel!